Friday, August 6, 2010

Happy Decision-Made Day !!

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Wah,tajuk post yg pelik..
This day is for the very day I decided to come to maktab..

It’s almost 1 year now since the day I made this decision...
It’s almost 1 year now I left my last institution..
It’s almost 1 year now since I start to learn to like maktab..

Well,it’s not that hard to like maktab..
But honestly, this is not what I wanted since the beginning..
The beginning means, since I was 7 years old..

What I want?i don’t know it myself..uhuu

I still remember the very day I made the decision..
It’s the day when tears was not expensive at all..
That’s the first time I cried whenever I heard phone ringing..
That’s the first time I cried when my father called..
That’s the first time when my father called 5 times a day..
That’s the first time my brother told me his regret..
That’s the first time when I cannot hold my tears..
That’s the first time I really can’t avoid talking with many pauses..
That’s the first time I cried in front of my family..
That’s the first time I can’t speak..
That’s the first time I cried in front of my friends
That’s the first time my friend said don’t regret..
That’s the first time my new friends told me not to go..
That’s the first time I can’t’ speak..

Receiving this news was such an unpredictable moment..
I never thought I’ll get this offer again..

I remember the day I received message
“sorry,900829-09-**** is not offered for kplspm 2009 intake,
plz mke a rayuan”

--that’s the day I was in the car with my father on Friday,
on da way home from Pasar Minggu Besut..
And I was happy,but at the same time had the feeling,alahaii~

I also remember the day I received message
“congratz!,900829-09-**** offered for kplspm 2009 intake,
plz reply to accept or not”

--that’s the day I was in lecture of Mr.Gan in UKM kampus KL on Thursday..and I was like,”huh?..ade lagi benda niey”..and I laughed all way back to hostel,taking this very lightly..
Telling my mom and dad (which were on their way to Perlis, my hometown) about this, had brought everything in awkwardness. Shock was not the exact word to describe my feeling when my dad said,”kak,pergi deh”..

Since then,my eyes never stop tearing..
I said “no,I don’t want”,but I said it only once..
I never said this again until now..

Many people called me,asking about this..telling me stories..
Giving me advices..telling theories..
I accepted them..*thinking*..

What should I do?
Should I go or should I stay?
My father didn’t push me to go but that was his wish,
would I be happy if I let him down?
How about my friends?old and new friends?
How about the effort I had made in matriculation?
let it burned in my memory?

How about one whole year I spent
reading books for breath-taking exams?

(honestly,getting such a result was NOT easy,NOT at all,and this isn’t a joke!)
How about my dream?my dream of having my own business?
How if I can’t live in maktab?
How if I can’t find friends in maktab?
How if I hate living in maktab?
I’m afraid..

But,
I did go..
(No surprise,I’m here now,on my bed,writing on lappy..)


What made me made this decision?easy..
Just because I don’t want my parents to cry for me again..
Even though it’s for my sacrifise..

This is all because of my parents..
I won’t let them down..
I won’t let them know I hate to be here..
I won’t let them know how I wish I was not here..
I won’t let them know how suffer I was being here..
I won’t let them know how I can’t find a true friend here..
I won’t let them know I hate being here..
And I won’t let them down..
Because I know this will totally hurt them..
Because I know they tried so hard to make me love this place..

Friends here,no joke,they’re not at all understand me…
This place told me that never trust a friend..
This place told me that it’s good to have enemies..(stupid enemy)
This place told me that never rely on friends..
This place told me that classmates are classmates,
they are not friends until we declared it..

This place told me that good friends can become enemies..
This place told me that the people here still need spoon-fed..
This place told me that these people are still in school-minded-mind..
This place told me that people won’t bother about us
until i made anything wrong..

This place told me that these people need to be taught
how to respect people..

This place told me that there are people who can’t think further farther..
This place told me that there are people who are easily influenced
esp bad influences..

This place told me that there are people who didn’t realized
that they are culture-shocked..

This place told me that finding love here blinded most eyes..
This place told me that pretending is always the best option..
This place told me all these..

I like this place..
I’m grateful that I made this decision..
I’m grateful that I chose to come here..
I’m grateful that I chose to be a teacher..
But nothing in this place had made me feel
that my decision was correct..

Nothing in this place had made me feel that I deserved to be here..
Nothing in this place had made me happy about it..
Nothing..!

Now I’m here,for next 4 years..
My father told me this

"this is just for 5 ½ years,4 years to go..bear it a bit longer,and u will never see anyone in maktab again after that..even yr classmate is just in memory until u reunite someday.."
I BELIEVE HIM~

**********************************************************

Since small,I have no true ambition..
Coz I nvr knew any job other than teacher,doctor and engineer..
And giving always humble and not-powering statements,
I’ll always answer “my ambition is to be a teacher”
I bet this is a taboo to me, becoming the reason I’m here now.
Once,I love to be a journalist..ahaks~..
bcoz I saw many journalist travel around the world..That’s my dream..
but,
I never ever said I want to be a doctor..
I never ever said I want to be an engineer..
I never ever answer other than to be a teacher..

*now,it's coming back to me*


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1 comment:

Nad said...

byk-bykkanb'sabar ye